There are only three sleeps left before I begin my next big adventure. I am just starting to feel gurgles of excitement from the deep depths of my traveling soul. I have not traveled like this for years. It hasn’t been since my last RTW (2002-05) that I have really felt free. And if I were to be completely honest, I don’t think I have been truly happy either.
The past four years have been quite a struggle. I have faced serious health issues, major loss, and endured acute trauma. I outgrew my job at TravelPod, ended an abusive relationship, and confronted my oldest, most powerful demons.
There are some things I will never get back. Like my friend who took his life last Christmas after an unsuccessful battle with depression. And my bike that took a hit from a careless SUV last summer while I was on it. And though I am trying to maintain my eternal optimism, I am now more likely to spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I guess what it comes down to is that these past few years have made me more honest with myself.
My double decade long flirtation with death finally came to an abrupt stop this past year. My moment of truth came 20 months ago when I decided that I would rather live than die. They say when it rains, it pours and I was drowning in this flash flood. My tendency towards self destructiveness was amplified from moderately toxic to lethal when suddenly, everything came crashing down at once. A dangerous combination of random events put me in a precarious position. In no time at all, I was in over my head. Normally I am pretty resilient but finally I reached my breaking point and became overwhelmed.
I was in a sharp downward spiral heading into a black hole. After crumbling to my knees at lightening speed, I identified that I was smack dab in the middle of a serious crisis. Fortunately there were a few choice moments of clarity which rocked me out of my stupor long enough to initiate a call for help. It took a lot of humility to admit just how far out of control this runaway train had gotten. It was devastated that for the first time in my life, I couldn‘t “handle“ this alone.
My predicament had gone beyond the scope of a friends and family fix so I didn’t waste time talking to them about it. After a frank discussion with my doctor, I enlisted a team of professionals. Just to be sure, I hired a second line of defense and alternates for those backups as well. As I had fallen through the cracks before so I made certain I had extra insurance. The gravity of my situation had finally hit me and I realized this was my last chance. I couldn’t afford to lose this war which had deeper roots than I had ever imagined.
I did everything right, followed all the rules, and began the harsh uphill climb that would be my recovery from a very dark dark place. In order to ensure my success, I isolated myself from anything that could knock me off track including everyone I knew. I dropped off the face of the earth for a year, informing only a few people that would be “away” for a while.
I signed up for an intensive program which had me challenge my entire belief system and deconstruct my fragmented foundation. Then it would arm me with the tools needed to start from scratch and begin rebuilding my constitution. It was a sobering moment indeed when I began to comprehend the true origins of this disaster. I did everything in my power to replace my deadly state of denial with life affirming decisions.
They say it’s always darkest before the dawn. I can testify. I also found it to be bitterly cold during this transitory phase. Those who know me have an idea of what lengths I will go through to avoid chilly temperatures. But there was no getting around this deep freeze. If I wanted to do it right, I had to go through and bear it before I could experience the thaw.
What learned is that there were parts of me that had been “frozen” many years ago. Certain things had happened in my past that in essence, stopped time. In order for me to heal those hurts, I had to go back and revisit them. This is not an easy task and was not only confusing but downright scary at times.
Becoming healthy became my full time job and although there was a steep learning curve, I now seem to be winning. For the most part I am keeping natural, eating well, sleeping, and exercising regularly. I know it sounds trite, but somehow adherence to these simple routines is making all the difference.
Grateful for admittance.
Posted on September 11, 2009. 1 comment
WhereSheGoes is a collection of stories, letters, poetry, and experiences written by women just like you. This site is a free forum for women all around the world who want to tell a story of inspiration, share a moment of laughter, and learn about ourselves through each other. No matter where we are from or what we do, we are all sacred mirrors for each other in the journey called life. Finding our connection is just the beginning of what is our powerful existence.
Years ago, a young lady decided to write down her thoughts and reflections as she traveled alone around the world. She unabashedly shared her innermost feelings and challenges. Over several years, she thoroughly described her experiences so others could know “where she goes”. Originally her online diary was intended for her family to keep track of her, but it turned out many could relate to her sincerity and open heart. After many letters of gratitude and encouragement from her readers, she began to understand the meaning of courage. She found that the more honest she was, the more rewarding her writing became. She was inspired to create this space where other women could safely express themselves and support each other in this great adventure we call life.
WhereSheGoes is an opportunity to witness and participate in authenticity in action.
You are invited to contribute your prospective about what you have learned, experienced, and created in your life. Travel tales, love lore, and reflections on self discovery are just a few of the topics we can explore. Happiness, sadness, excitement, disappointment are all emotions on the quest for truth. Send us your words and we will post them to share with all our sisters. Specify if you would like your name and/or city credited, otherwise entries will be posted anonymously.
Send all submissions, comments, and feedback to: whereshegoes at gmail dot com
Posted on December 6, 2008. Add a comment
Shattered and shiny
Frazzled and frayed
Your story was solid
You were not afraid
But suddenly they came
Like shadows in light
Took over your being
Enlightened your plight
Shot back into past lies
Your loss now became
Like lightening to thunder
Your truth was your shame
Flashback to pureness
Define what you know
Foundation you question
Like ice turned to snow
Your crystal white castle
That held up till now
Infiltrated slowly
Continue Reading…
The things I am learning right now are just how important it is to be responsible with my energy. It has been easy in the past to just do what I wanted because I really didn`t think that my actions affected anyone except me. I now am beginning to comprehend how naïve that type of attitude is. And it can have disastrous results if one is not living to their potential. I cannot know what results my good deeds will have but I need to be very aware of my mistakes. It is sooo hard to admit them but recognizing and correcting our faults will have a stronger lasting effect to the development of the human race. All my good efforts will have been in vain if I cannot overcome my obstacles. Continue Reading…
So. How does it feel to be home? I feel different. I feel a little wiser. A little more weathered. A little more genuine. Life. It`s not all peaches and cream. But it is real. And real matters. Real feels. It feels to a level and intensity that nothing superficial can touch. And now I know that is a fact. I spent a lot of time and energy trying to substitute and short cut my way through…for one reason or another. But I just can`t simulate the real deal. The authentic article produces a result like no other. I may get amazingly close and even fool a lot of people (including myself). But in the end, there is a sense of emptiness. A nagging tug that something just ain`t right. Continue Reading…
Dearest Dark Side,
Never again. I am wise to your ways now and I will not be misled. Now I know what you look like. I have seen your face. You`ll NEVER defeat me. Through this battle…I have discovered a key. In trying to destroy me, you have strengthened my character and created a legend. Continue Reading…
The day before I came back to Canada, I got a bellybutton piercing. I wanted to do something symbolic to ritualize the end of my trip and it was one of the safer, more reversible (not to mention non-committal) options. I got three stars with diamonds in them which graduate from biggest to smallest, hanging vertically. One for each year I was away. I had three romances. The first lasted one day, one was a week and the last went for one year. I lost three cameras. Continue Reading…
End the Break way Begin
END the page no words are left
From then to now the hand has lept
One door closes slamming shut
Before another opens up
Stand alone dark long hallway
As echos of what was now fade
Its that moment in between
When all the seams just seem to seam
BREAK
In front down low beneath the door
Above the floor a crack no more
Creeps through a light of sunlit fuzz
Fun sounds excite a static buzz
Click goes the catch now come what may
Invites step forward come to play
Enter this play to move within
New chapter starts this way BEGIN
This is what I learned from traveling. They started out with simple concepts like packing light, writing a journal, not wasting, sharing, playing, paying attention, listening, trying new things, and keeping balance. I was able to expand them into my own personal mission statement. What`s yours? Everybody has one…whether you have written it down or not. How do you choose to live?
Continue Reading…
This was what I taught to my students. I think they are very important words. A free English/Spanish lesson for you…but more so, life lessons never to forget.
Desiderata
(something desired as essential)
(algo deseó como esencial)
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember
Camina plácido entre el ruido y la prisa y piensa
what peace there may be in silence.
en la paz que se puede encontrar en el silencio.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
En cuanto te sea posible y sin rendirte, mantén buenas relaciones con todas las personas.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to the dull and ignorant;
Enuncia tu verdad de una manera serena y clara; y escucha a los demás, incluso al torpe e ignorante;
they too have their story.
también ellos tienen su propia historia.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.
Esquiva a las personas agresivas y ruidosas, pues son un fastidio para el espíritu.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter,
Si te comparas con los demás, te volverás vano y amargado,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
pues siempre habrá personas mas grandes y mas pequeñas que tú.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Disfruta de tus éxitos lo mismo que de tus planes.
Keep interested in your career, however humble;
Mantén el interés en tu propia carrera por humilde que sea,
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
ella es un verdadero tesoro en el fortuito cambiar del tiempo.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
Se cauto en los negocios, el mundo esta lleno de engaños;
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
mas no dejes que esto te deje ciego para la virtud que existe.
many persons strive for high ideals and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Hay muchas personas que se esfuerzan por alcanzar nobles ideales, y por doquier la vida esta llena de heroísmo.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Se sincero contigo mismo. En especial, no finjas el afecto;
Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
tampoco seas cínico en cuanto al amor; pues en medio de todas las arideces y desengaños,
it is as perennial as the grass.
es perenne como la hierba.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Acata dócilmente el consejo de los años, y abandona con donaire las cosas de la juventud.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
Cultiva la firmeza del espíritu para que te proteja en las adversidades repentinas,
But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
pero no te afligas imaginando fantasmas.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Muchos temores nacen de la fatiga y la soledad.
Beyond a wholesome discipline be gentle to yourself.
Sobre una sana disciplina se benigno contigo mismo.
You are a child of the universe,
Tú eres una criatura del universo,
no less than the trees and the stars and you have a right to be here.
no menos que las árboles y las estrellas; tienes derecho a existir.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Y sea que te resulte claro o no, indudablemente el universo marcha como debiera.
Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
Por eso debes estar en paz con Dios, cualquiera que sea tu idea de El,
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
y sean cualesquiera tus trabajos y aspiraciones.
in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul.
Coserva la paz con tu alma en la bulliciosa confusión de la vida.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Aún con toda su farsa, penalidades y sueños fallidos, el mundo es todavia hermoso.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Se alegre. Esfuérzate por ser feliz.
–Max Ehrmann, 1927. ©
